A year ago my son Dylan moved out of the house and into a dorm. If you read my devotion last week, you’ll know I had a hard time with it …. hence this series. Although I shared how hard it was emotionally, I didn’t tell you whole story. Let’s just say I had some … uh, how do I put it? … moments. You know those kind you wish you could rewind and do again? Yes, I had a few of those.
It started with me wanting to talk to Dylan every day. So I’d call him just to see how he was. The first day he was happy to hear from me. The second day he was in a hurry so we cut it short. The third day he was slightly annoyed, and asked: “Are you going to call me every day?”
I instinctively knew the wrong answer was “yes.”
Since his university is only a 30-minute drive away, he came home for the weekend after the first two weeks. I expected him to spend hours chatting with me at the kitchen table, telling me about who he had met, all about his classes, what was he eating, what he did in his free time, details about his roommate and a thousand other questions I had. But apparently he came home to sleep on the couch during the day and play X-box with his brothers at night.
And then I was the one annoyed. And I expressed it. Then he was annoyed. And expressed it. And much annoyance ensued.
His second weekend home followed this same pattern. On top of my annoyance, I added a touch of martyrdom, and passive-aggressive guilt-throwing. Plus a few heavy sighs for good measure. On Sunday night he finally said: Mom, if you’re going to act like this, I don’t want to come home.
Now, I know half of you reading this are on my side, and are thinking, “Of course you were annoyed! Your son should have talked more to you.” And the other half of you are thinking, “Of course your son wouldn’t want to come home to that kind of treatment! Poor Dylan.”
But at that point, I was cut to the heart. Chasing my son away was the LAST thing I wanted to do. And although it hurt to hear the truth, I was so thankful he had told me how he felt. That week I spent a lot of time in prayer. My feelings were hurt, and I’d not dealt with them in a healthy way. I knew something had to change, and God showed me, in this instance, it needed to be me.
As I prayed that week, the word “grace” kept coming to mind. I needed to show my son grace. Even though in my opinion he was staying up too late, I needed to graciously get him a blanket when he fell asleep on the couch, kiss him on the forehead (because I could), and thank God my son is alive and in my home … rather than making a snide comment about needing to go to bed earlier. (ugh!)
The other idea that God put in my mind was to create a home my children want to come home to. And that does not include being a mom who tries to heap guilt on her children when they make bad choices. God doesn’t treat us like that. So why would I do that to my children? I knew I had to let go of my expectations and show unconditional love.
I fully believe I’m called to teach and train and model and guide my children in the ways of the Bible. But no where does the Bible advise using manipulation tactics.
Thank you Lord for a son who spoke hard truth to me. Thank you Lord for accepting me – bad choices and all. Thank you Lord for unconditional love, and for giving me another chance to get it right.
A home my children want to come home to. That’s my goal, and it starts with me.
God’s Word
Romans 2:4, “Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, forbearance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?”
Ephesians 2:4-5, “But because of his great love for us,God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.”
Titus 3:4-5, “But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy.“
Romans 5:6-8, “You see, at just the right time,when we were still powerless,Christ died for the ungodly.Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.“
Organizing Tip
Since today my message has to do with creating a welcoming home with my attitude, my tip has to do with a practice that helps keep me patient and kind. It’s minor, but what a difference it makes! And that’s to keep a stock pile of supplies, including small bills.
It seems that being tucked into bed is often a prompt to remind someone they need poster board for the next day. And it’s frustrating to sit down to do a project only to discover dry glue sticks and missing markers. Plus, why is it when someone needs $3.00 for a field trip, I only have a $20?
That’s why I pick up extra school supplies when they are on sale. I keep them in my closet, otherwise they would get used. I also collect small bills and keep them in a safe place too.
Being prepared helps me stay calm and hopefully is teaching my children to be prepared as well.
What are your thoughts on today’s post? Have you ever blown it with a child and then made a change? I’d love to hear about it. Perhaps it will make me avoid another mistake.
In His love,
Glynnis
I had to laugh at “being tucked into bed is often a prompt.” This is so true! I find I have such high expectations for myself and others. I need to get real, relax and give us all a break.
Yes Glynnis, this often happens to us overprotective type. For some reason we feel that it is completely our duty to keep them from doing wrong or simply experiencing anything uncomfortable in their lives. By doing so, we often become that uncomfortable thing. . . OUCH! My daughter’s first year of college was a challenge for me. Part of me wanted to be glad that she was doing so well and didn’t need to talk to me everyday, but there was also that part that was saying “Is she ok?”. . . “Maybe she is sad and doesn’t want me to knoe it.” Lucky for me, once out in the real world for a while, she has decided that she wants to talk to me everyday, and we do. I do not have the same expecations of my son, however, but I will have to learn to live with that when the time comes for him to head off. For now, I will work on the “loving” things I do that he might call nagging and make his time left in our home a pleasant enjoyable experience so that this will always be a place he wants to come to. Thank you so much for bearing your heart this morning. It is tough to recognize that what we see as loving and mothering may just be annoying and smothering.
When my firstborn son took off for college, it was very difficult to ever get him on the phone (before cell phones). He was busy with classes, activities, and an oncampus Christian youth group. I was frustrated. Walt said, “Mom, I know that you need to talk to me. How about I call you once a week, so you know I’m OK?” Thus began our Tues. night chat. It blessed me greatly and didn’t bug him. Wonderful solution.
Hi Glynnis,
Just last night my oldest came into my room at about 4:30 a.m. saying she had a bad dream. My first reaction was “I am to tired for this, just get in bed” and then I felt a prompting just moments after those words came out of my mouth, to right what I had just said. The Holy Spirit was wrestling with me to say things differently. I rolled over and said,” I am sorry you had a nightmare, do you want to talk about it.” to which my daughter replied, “no but thanks for asking.” “I told her I loved her and to get some sleep, it is the first day of school tomorrow and you need your rest.” I immediately felt the calming in my spirit and rolled over and went to sleep. The alarm sounded at 6:15 a.m. and I rolled over and thanked God for the awesome child sleeping next to me! God is so good, even when we are not!
My son started college two weeks ago and is commuting from home. I battle with the “smothering instinct” and am learning to be patient and enjoy when he opens up rather than pry or pelt with questions. A few times he’s called to talk excitedly about a new class or club other times he doesn’t have a word to spare. I’m grateful that I get to share a bit of this great new experience with him and am SLOWLY learning to let go as our relationship changes and grows.
Blessings, Denise
I love your tip about keeping small bills on hand for last minute needs. So often I have had to write an IOU for the kids’ piggy banks because I didn’t have the $1 or $2 they needed for something at school because I only had big bills in my wallet. Thanks for the tip!
Texting has saved my relationship with my son! Even though he has moved back home after college we see him mostly coming & going. His spiritual gift is mercy so he is out saving the hurting & we get the leftovers…and there ain’t much left over! It’s tough. kids hear your tone of voice MORE than the words you actually say. Texting elements the attitude & gives time for them to respond. Also, I leave notes for him with no expectation that he has to respond. Last week he asked me to iron a dress shirt for a job thing but hadn’t done the chore I had asked of him so I returned the ironed shirt to his doorknob with a note sticking out of the pocket restating my request. No emotional interaction…no time limit…no demands. Then at church Sunday before taking communion I was convicted of my angry attitude toward our son because he was doing for others & not for me. I had to see him as not only my son but as a brother in the faith & grant him grace because God has granted me grace. I cried once I saw that my concern was for my own “rights” instead of his development. God gave me new eyes to see the beauty in my son’s life. It is hard everyday…parenting is not for sissies! I wish every time he disappoints me or appears to be ungrateful it turned me to think about how I disappoint my heavenly Father & am so ungrateful but truth is…I usually stay locked in a battle for control with my kids.
Imperfect progress is better than no progress at all.
Thank you, Glynnis! My boys are still pretty young (9 & 6). I am constantly in a battle of wills with my 6 year old. My husband made a comment this weekend that has stopped to make me think about my behavior and, oftentimes, not so gracious actions. My expectations are way too high and we have not been enjoying one another at all. As they get older I know this will become more of a problem. Thank you for putting into words what I need to remember. It starts with me!! My goal is to start showing my kids more grace and start working very hard in creating a home they want to come home!
Amen and amen.
It is so hard to see my little ones grow up and fly off on their own….but it is right that they do so.
Thanks for your words of encouragement.
My stepson is a senior in high school and has just come to live with us. I have some of those same issues because of the “no rules” his mother had at her house. I’m trying to give him space but also helping him prepare for life after high school because it will be here soon. Your post reminded me that while I need to guide him, he is old enough to reap the consequences of his actions (going to bed late which makes him tired in the morning)
Thank you so much for this series. I’ve read every email with tears in my eyes and the Lord speaking to my heart. Thank you for the way you included scripture and for the effort you obviously put into it. My 6yo is in first grade and my little one is four but apprarently a mother’s heart beats the same, regardless of a child’s age. Thank you.
Thank you so much for this, Glynnis! It is exactly what I needed this morning after having my son practically shove us out of his dorm room last night. Both my husband and I left feeling hurt and confused, as he was happy enough to have us fill up his gas tank, stock him with food and help with wiring his stereo system, but then couldn’t wait to get rid of us. I guess my fear is that he won’t want to come home, either. Thank you for the reminder that I need to make my home a place of grace, and to give him the space he needs. Now to keep myself from calling him this morning!
Oh yes Glynnis so many times! One thing I’ve learned is to forgive myself:) repent of course & always remember His mercies are new every morning! I ask the Lord to help me see each one I love through his eyes! Also whatever is going on birthdays, anniversaries or special occasions I keep my attitude in check & carry on I don’t quit loving even if my heart is crushed to the max! This is with kids,GrandJoys, in-laws! It is hard as when you are hurt your instinct is to flee to Montana & raise sheep on a mountain where there is no one!!
You are doing a great job & a good family finds out things & talks even if we don’t want to hear what is painful! Whatever is in the dark & is brought to the light will stay healthy! I will be praying for your sweet heart! Donna
You are an amazing woman! I forgot to tell you you have your heavenly Father’s heart! Your tips & ideas for us all are wonderful! Thank you for sharing ideas to help us all not come unglued! My Grandma always said “Poor planning ends up with poor results!” be sure to do one thing you love each day!
All I can say is “1 Corinthians 13″.
It comes back to me time and time and time and time again, thank you Holy Spirit!
I have a 22, 20 and 17 year old girl who thinks shes 30.
I cry (alot), I laugh when I know who’s truely in control and I hear those words in my ear whispered all the time “WHAT IS MY LOVE ABOUT CANDY”. What’s that Lord, Love doesn’t demand it’s own way, Love isn’t self seeking, Love is patient and kind and not rude. Ow, Ugh! Lord not my will but your will be done, are the words that eventually come to me. I rest and wait on Him who knows and whom I trust to work it all together for my good and the good of my family that He has created. Love covers a multitude of sins and GODS Love Changes Lives, It changed mine!!!
Hi Glynnis! Both of our sons attended a university just 30 minutes from our home. The older one (who shared everything about his day, with little prompting during grades K-12, and expressed horror at age 6 when his older cousin left home for college) rarely came home (his girlfriend was on campus). Now he is a teacher in another state, calls at least once a week, and I hear about everything that happens in his school, just like old times! Our younger son split his time between living on campus (came home frequently; his girlfriend lived at home in our town) and commuting. He is working and living at home (temporarily to save money), and I do have to sometimes resist calling/texting him to make sure he is OK, but he is pretty considerate about letting me know when he is going to be late. I am thankful your son was honest with you, and you were wise enough to listen to him and pray about the situation. I have seen (from observing a friend) what can happen when a parent does not treat an adult child with respect and grace, and it can get ugly. I think it is smart to “choose your battles”, so that a parent can intervene softly (so to speak) when the issue is truly important; then the adult child is more apt to listen and not feel that this is one more thing upsetting his/her parents. Lots of prayer, of course is mandatory!
I loved today’s post! I could totally relate to the passive-aggressive behavior and deep, loud sighs! While all of my children are still at home and my oldest is 15, I strive to have a welcoming, warm home where they feel comfortable bringing their friends. I love the idea of my kids wanting to hang out with their friends at our house. Yes, my house will not be nice and neat and my grocery bill is out of control, but if it means my kiddos are happy and their friends are all enjoying our house, it is well worth it!
Oh my, did I chuckle….our youngest son would have said the same thing…are you going to call every day? Be thankful he is feeling independent. He still needs you. Just wait until he gets married…..Don’t have time, I’ll call you back” and he doesn’t…busy with kids, bathing and even cooking….but I know he loves me. It is MY need not his to be in touch. I asked a Jewish parent how he gets his son to call every day and he said “Guilt works!”. I am not choosing guilt but just to keep in touch because we care.
Your post REALLY spoke to me. I have found it so difficult to be a MOM who doesn’t ask a million questions. My youngest son,who is 33, calls me the MOM of a 1000 questions.
I have promised myself and my Heavenly Father to break this routine. I have shared with all my children the “reason” is because I care so much. I have realized I am not the prime person in their lives anymore. They have all grown to be wonderful Christians with the two oldest having families of their own. The youngest still isn’t married but I have come to realize my role is a support role in all of their lives. I must continue to be a Godly grandmother to my grands and be a helper to my children.With the help of God I can do this. His mercies are new every morning and He is SO patient with me.
Thanks for the reminder to “lighten up a bit”. I needed it!
While my child is still very young, this was a great reminder for me. THANKS!
It felt like you were telling my story. My daughter moved into her dorm a year ago, and I acted the same way and she acted the exact same way as Dylan. Even though the University is only an hour away, it felt like she was half way around the world. There were times that she had plans on the weekend and wouldn’t come home, and I gave her the guilt treatment. When she was home, she slept and lounged around the house and I gave her the guilt treatment. The thing is, she was never the type to come home from school and tell me all about her day (unlike her brother who tells me play by play). We have always had to drag things out of her. I don’t know why I thought that things would be different. Being home for the summer I vowed I was going to change and give her space to be an adult. She moved into an apartment this semester and I still miss her, but I am giving her some space and make her own decisions. At least now she calls and asks for my advice. I thank God everyday!
thanks for the tip “lighten up” may I take it to heart!
Thanks for sharing your struggles. I see myself hovering over my son. Hugs!
Hmm…it must be a guy thing, because my brothers did that too! They’d come back home on the weekends to eat, sleep, do laundry and hang out with their friends! They did grow out of it…it that helps?!?
And as a mom of a child in school (my dd started 1st grade today) those are great and handy tips! I hardly have cash on me, so that’s one of the first things I’ll do today, make change and keep it in a safe place!
I have four children and three moved out within 2 months of each. It was the hardest time of my life. I clung to God because of the changes occuring in our lives. I was scared. I missed my children. I wanted them to miss me. BUT after a conversation on the phone with one of them, I realized that, they are doing OK and that as a single mom, with God’s loving help, WE must have done alright in raising them for them to be doing alright with being gone.
Now some time has passed and a new chapter of my life is opening and I am excited to see what God has in store.
A friend just emailed me this. It was my oldest’s first day of kindergarten today. I have been so blue for a while and she was so excited. She is so much like me but much more independent and never shed a tear. I laughed and cried seeing myself in your story! I have a lot of years and tears to come but thanks for sharing! Great to be reminded there is one who cares more than I do!
Posted the above comment on the wrong blog post! Sorry!
My grandchildren live with me and even though they are not yet college age-still sending them off to school makes me feel similar. I am working on preparing them for life as best I can as a single grandparent. Thanks for all of the helpful comments as well.
Thanks for sharing Glynnis! Oh boy, yes, can I relate. I wrote about a similar situation with my daughter a couple of weeks ago on my blog (http://www.ourstoriesgodsglory.blogspot.com/). I did not create a welcoming home…though it was so not my intention. I practically chased her out the door with my bitterness and resentment about her growing up and away (she just graduated from college). Thankfully, my daughter treated me with grace I didn’t deserve. Just like God!
Love your idea about being prepared. Even though I have one daughter, a senior in high school, at home now and three are out on their own, I still have the $20 bill problem and the poster paper dilemma from time to time.